With all this hype and panic around Corona virus, and as a fully qualified hairstylist, opinion maker and armchair social commentator, I felt it was my duty to address the masses on the recent pandemic sweeping the globe. I mean, it would be rude not to. So, let’s take a break from talking about hair and gender politics, and get stuck in shall we?

 I have read multiple posts on social media from friends, online news channels and heard stories on the street. I have seen pictures of distressed shoppers standing in the queue at the local supermarket, unnecessarily stockpiling 2 ply, double quilted, fragrant rolls of TP. About as useful in the pandemic as….wait, it doesn’t need a witty analogy. It’s already funny.

 I begin to feel like I have stepped back in time to when ‘War of The Worlds’, Orson Welles realistic but fictional radio newscast (not the movie, starring real-life alien worshipper, Tom Cruise) about a martian invasion was first broadcast over the airwaves on October 30, 1938, inducing frenzied horror from unaware radio listeners, believing the broadcast to be current and factual news. The unintended result: panic, mass evacuation and people locking themselves in their houses to sit out the alien invasion happening in their own backyards. 

 Radio devotees, who had no reason to distrust the news, were now glued to their sets waiting for the next vital update and the key to their survival. As crazed thoughts of spaceships, xenocide and the impending sense of hopelessness sunk into the listener’s minds and hearts, I wonder if their first thought was, “Oh my, I hope I have enough toilet paper to get through this alien invasion…”

 

Have we learnt from our mistakes? I think not.

 There are reports of similar situations evolving when the ‘War of The Worlds’ was broadcast years later, multiple times in fact, resulting in violent retaliation and even death. Do we fact-check everything we read 100% of the time? Do we check the source before we click? No, we don’t. And I hear you say in revolt “but I do!” but I ask you: when was the last time you read over the terms and conditions of your iPhone or the latest Android update before blindly trusting the source and clicking agree…?

 On this note, I will leave you with a story which has been circulating around social media involving a honey addicted bear and his faithful sidekick. With a bit of editing and the main characters now being yours truly and my faithful sidekick, The Gentleman McKenzie. Enjoy.

 

McKenzie and Buck Stockpile for the Impending Zombie Apocalypse 

 

"Where are we going McKenzie?" asked Buck.

"We need to get supplies," said McKenzie. "For the impending zombie apocalypse".

"Ahh," said Buck, nodding in understanding. "Things like bread, oat milk, cough mixture, hand sanitiser, 148 rolls of toilet paper and cat litter, even though we don't have a cat?"

McKenzie did a little snorting laugh, and looked around suspiciously. "No," said McKenzie, watching out of his peripherals for the aforementioned cat. "No, those aren't the sort of supplies we need at all! What we need are family-sized bags of liver treats, bones, stuffed squeaker toys and tubs of peanut butter.’

“...And plenty of booze…” interrupted Buck. 

“...and mixers.” replied McKenzie, “as we all know during the apocalypse it’s not booze we run out of, but mixers.”

“Now you’re talking! THOSE are what I call, supplies!" exclaimed Buck with a dreamy far-away look in his eyes.

“You and your silly drinks” chuckled McKenzie, “We’ll get as much as we can carry and you should invite some of your mates around to share in our bountiful supplies”.

All of a sudden, Buck thought that the idea of a zombie apocalypse didn't seem quite so bad, and actually, facing the apocalypse with his friends, McKenzie and all of their supplies really didn't sound like such a terrible thing after all.

"Oh McKenzie," said Buck. "I really do think you are wiser than you appear and  a very good boy, aren't you?". 

McKenzie’s tail wagged in reply.

As they walked along they spotted Prime Minister Boris Johnson, standing by a busy intersection watching the world go by.....

“Hello, BoJo,” said Buck, “We’re off to buy supplies to sit out the apocalypse, would you like to come with us and get your loo paper before they run out?”

“No thank you.” said Boris, “I’m just going to stand here, looking at the zombies running around like idiots, turning against each other and contemplate the Economic impact of a media-induced panic that several companies are projecting folding straight out of Brexit. Also, the NHS being brought to its knees by a zombie pandemic, and the social impact of people distrusting others because they look different and thinking they may be infected with a virus based on the country they are recently visiting from. Trump and ScoMo were right.People are dumb.”

“Well, that sucks,” said Buck. “I much prefer drinkin’ cocktails and entertainin’ with my mates.”

“The ironic thing,” smiled BoJo, “is that Panic induces the Stress Response, and the first thing the stress response does is switch off the immune system...”

“Huh?” said Buck, “Why would the media do such a thing?”.

Boris mumbled something unintelligible and then, with a calculated look on his face, uttered, “I might just stand here and watch for a bit longer.”

With that, they were off. Neither dared look back. 

 

THE END

P.S. don’t forget to fact check everything you read...