How To Be Productive and Influence People…. or NOT!

Ahoy fellow Isolators, 

I’m back and having come to terms with my government-issued solitary confinement I am reflecting on how it is a blessing and a curse to suddenly have a tangible idea of the consequences of your actions on a global scale full credit due to the unforgiving and ruthless virus sweeping the world. It sucks the proverbial genitalia. What makes it worse in this scenario is we know that for every rule we break, one poor unsuspecting granny down the line could die! It really sucks! So, in the interest of my good samaritan heart and out of respect to the vulnerable, I will write this blog instead. 

What’s that I hear you say? I’m a Hero. Nonsense, I am simply doing my part. All in a day’s work...

(BTW - I have missed you, have you missed me? I miss listening to your stories. I miss the opportunity to share my experiences with you. I miss wild digressive conversations and silly puns. I never thought I would say this but, I miss idle to chit-chat and small talk. I hope to rectify at least one of these problems in the course of my musings)

In a bid to outrun insanity, I get up every day and I apply more eyeliner. I make my bed as if it is any normal day and I am on my way to work. All the while chanting my newly adopted internal mantra ‘Normal. Normal. Normal’. I have replaced real conversation with social media interactions and nodding and smiling at strangers in public like some sort of deranged carnival sideshow clown whose head has become unhinged from its mechanics. (on my daily government-sanctioned and approved daily exercise,of course!)

My attempts at productivity and keeping the ever intrusive inner saboteur at bay being funnelled into fashion photoshoots with my unsuspecting dog and faithful co-pirate in life, McKenzie (who shall henceforth be known as Brad Pitt-bull...) who seems oddly more than willing, eager even, to put up with my every whim and misplaced creativity by being dressed up in my wigs and posing for social media posts (see blog title image or check out his insta @the_gentleman_McKenzie). His need for attention reflects and fulfills my own needs and wants for social interaction.

Followed by brief and intense interludes of vacant fridge staring reminiscent of a younger teenage version of me, somehow imagining through sheer will power and imagination, the next amazing snack will appear to alleviate this impending sense of doom.

And then comes the slow distant rumble of social media…

Giving in to my wanton human need for connection, I dive into shark-infested waters bobbing up for air and occasional trips to the fridge to check on its contents. I see posts of all types ranging from; energiser bunnies running online fitness classes and think ‘I am so doing that...tomorrow…’. I see the fashion frontier being upheld by people crocheting themselves bikinis and think, should I put on trouser’s today or not? (inevitably the debate always ends in not). I see debates and naive negotiations about rationalising your way out of government-enforced quarantine. I see expert advice form leading epidemiologist, Karen from Facebook and I can’t possibly go on without mentioning the bombardment of conspiracy theories about the correlation of 5G, bats, killer governments and micro-engineered bio-terrorism on YouTube from trustworthy and reliable sources such as LA Meth Witch.  

I can deal with all of this. And recognise the vast majority as, mostly, well-intentioned but, sometimes misguided musings of souls trying to run their own marathon against insanity and boredom.  

However… (insert dramatic music and beat change) there is one particular type of post I would like to talk about. The misplaced musings of the holier-than-thou social agents of the Earth informing us all: This global crisis is not, in fact, a random non-discriminating virus but, Karmic Retribution From a Vengeful and Murderous Planet Dying from the Collective Virus known as, Humans.

PAUSE FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT...

People are sick and dying and in pain. ‘You’ (I am speaking directly to generalise ‘You/r’, not you the individual) are not above it all, somehow immune to the virus or the karma ‘you’ so happily dish out on behalf of the universe, like some self-appointed Jester of the Court of the Cosmos, simply because ‘you’ wrote a  poem or vomited up a status update from ‘your’ disgruntled utopian soapbox and posted it online.

Telling people they are 'worthless', 'unnecessary', 'getting what they deserve' because the very planet which has nurtured our evolution, has now sent a violent and invisible assassin to terminate our very existence. What a horrible and disgusting thing to say. As if ‘you’ are some Judge Dredd character deciding peoples fate with ‘your’ diarrhetic diatribe.  

I suggest firmly but kindly: Check ‘yourself’ and ‘your’ privilege before ‘you’ open ‘your’ mouth and spew vitriol into other people’s lives. And don't dare try to disguise it as pseudo-scientific observation or worse, art.

Some opinions are inside thoughts and they should stay inside thoughts. We don’t care to hear everything ‘you’ think. ‘You’ will not be getting a participation certificate to say '[insert ‘your’ name here] Took Part In The Apocalypse'. On the day of Rapture, Scotty will not be there to beam ‘you’ up. Nor will ‘you’ receive a ribbon to display on ‘your’ mantlepiece or post proudly in ‘your’ next social media update.

Shall we talk about the mental/physical/financial implications of a society in lockdown? And the effect ‘your’ careless words and bloetry (an amalgamation of blow and poetry) have on the already disenfranchised masses? which ‘you’ seem to be so flamboyantly pushing aside with ‘your’ narrow-minded and eco-fascist views. (Please, if this is ‘you’ and ‘you’ are offended, DM me for further discussion...and I will happily ignore ‘you’ xxx)

People are sick/dying/suffering from a real and tangible illness. This is not the universe telling ‘you’ to slow down and finally find the time to learn macrame, to finally start the online business ‘you’ have always dreamed of or finally get your much deserved ‘me’ time. Nor do I believe ‘you’ when ‘you’ say, somehow this is nature’s payback. Contrary to ‘your’ beliefs, the universe does not communicate with ‘you’ via ‘your’ turmeric latte...The universe is not ‘yours’ for the taking.

There have been many mass extinction events before and hopefully, once we are gone the earth will be taking over post-apocalyptic-neo-dinosaurs...one can only dream. Not sure the dinosaurs before them did anything to deserve an asteroid being dropped on their heads. So, why not give them a second chance? No living thing deserves a painful and horrible death. So kindly please keep ‘your’ secretly-weaponised-eco-catholic version of a vengeful and wrathful Earth, to ‘yourself’.  

The Earth will carry on without us, as it always has, regardless of global warming/war/drugs/obesity/murder/viruses and humans. This is not the Earth’s first rodeo, and it won’t be it’s last.

I strongly believe it is not our time just yet. I look around and see so much arrogance but, through the darkness, acts of community shine through. Small gestures turning into grand deeds which far outweigh ‘your’ grand words, indicative of a small mind.

We cannot choose to be part of a community whilst ostracising others. We must strive to include everyone and attacking each other does not help society as a whole. As Roger Ramjet said 'All-for-one and one-for-all'. 

Let us remember, in the history of the world, we have filled less than a page and ‘your’ naive and arrogant prose on Facebook won't even make it into the footnotes. 

END SCENE

Anyhoo, thanks for taking the time to read my rambling, I am off to stare vacantly into the fridge and manufacture my next post about how productive I am being. 

Also, I need to try and figure out how to get the dog to stop blinking so loudly...

Love and sloppy dog-kisses, 

Buck and McKenzie xxx